Version 2

eye look at myself disgusting havent washed for days drinking coffee all the time stomach hurts threw up in the toilet and didnt bother to flush it it stinks but what does it matter nothing thats me wish this was all over but what can one do? suicide is so popular just dont wanna do it only for that reason it is dark again is darkness popular miss something but would hate it if it was here crashed clock and mirrors cut both hands but didnt feel it saw the dried blood later period is fucked up could be pregnant but not really is it murder to commit suicide? would never know anyway noone would know or bother miss people but they dont call and I dont either words are blurry cant even listen to music anymore and again hear the phone ringing in the neighbour noone picks up wish they would call me to sell something so that it could be said go fuck yourself have no money to waste on the shit youre selling call someone rich and leave me alone it would be such pleasure to shout at someone stranger or friend not the police they lock you up if you shout had haircut yesterday as if it would change something and it does indeed feeling more miserable what can one do? no pills at home and couldnt suffocate myself with the pillow although tried but dont really wanna die just for something to happen it started out as fun experiment cause experiments are fun to experience extremes and then have a laugh about them decided not to call anyone to check who would call when and why and what would we say and when and how long and where from and questions like that and guess what noone called once got a message about some new subscription could talk with my lover for free for a month or anyone whom to talk once per day at least except there is noone like that lover? dont make me laugh look like a joke no locks anymore around this notpretty face and the fact is that up to the age of 12 this face thought it was beautiful and then the boys mocked it behind its back I talk about myself again too much have to cross out the words about it cause it doesnt matter dont matter nothing at all is well time machine take me somewhere else where things arent like this could be worse some say but the point is that it would be different and try to write to make a difference to anyone and if stop than things will be the same again or death comes and it would be the same newspaper headline there are so many suicides these days almost all the time in japan somehow more unhappiness was distributed there and it is so easy to kill yourself there cause it is trendy just like britney and karaoke and once sang in a band but noone liked it not even me and they said it was ok but it wasnt it was ridiculous and was ashamed for days they must have laughed behind the singers back or pity her even worse jump out of the window but dont want to dont want to die just to make a difference to fill the paper with letters but thats what everyone else does so have to try to erase it them or make a difference by not showing it to anyone but does it exist at all if theres noone to read it and how would they know someone made things different? would they feel it? catch 22 miss reading but others read as well so dont wanna do it anymore what it is that noone else does in the whole world write a suicide note before not committing suicide thats what I do and it begins to feel good now to know that this is something different or is it really? whatever dont wanna lose this image so lets pretend this is unique like nothing else in life is please dont tell me this has been done before there is nothing new under the sun and stuff like that quoting smart books and people so hold on to what youve got and shut up and leave me alone if you have read this and dont come here if you dont wanna know about me no socially necessary visits and nice little chitchats over coffee or tea cause it is more trendy and lets go shopping sometime-like sentences and this is getting too deep my old boyfriend used to say and never dared to admit to him that it never really stuck what it meant so now on the third page it would be high time to stop but have no idea what happens if stop this and what if no more ideas come and noone calls for an eternity? even music annoys now stupid lullabies to quote later and seem cool in front of friends who arent friends in the strict sense of the word if it exists any more friendship or the idea or whatever something is getting too deep but not anything in this room here nothing is getting nowhere fuch grammar so boring and makes no sense lets invent new words like fakelity its like fatality but its not real now should have become a linguist or a satirist or a fakirist irises must be huge but no mirror to check in or does too much coffee make them tiny instead? not the mirrors are meant of course is the phone ringing or the ear? It was just a poor attempt to sound funny not even ears are ringing here any more and need you more now than ever and that time was never never had any readers maybe I will throw this out the window and someone may read it and look up and this reminds of childhood we did tricks like hanging a piece of paper saying loveya or something like that attached to a rope and out the window and people looked up some embarassed we wished but it never happened they just laughed may have thought it was ridiculous which was the case and the case was dismissed on the fake tv court no the tv wasnt fake guess but the programme but its over now at least just like this is